So Hard

I've underestimated things yet again.

Thank you for all the comments, emails, well wishes, suggestions and requests since my last post. Even D reacted strongly when he heard of the news -- Something I was not expecting. I guess he saw what I couldn't.

When I wrote the series for Women's Money Week, it showed me how done I was with writing about work, money and debt. The reason why I started a blog. I no longer feel the need for that platform anymore.

Since I was 7, I've kept a written journal and once the books were full, they were discarded. I didn't want to risk someone finding and reading them. My pattern made it simple to do the same with this blog. Even though I've remained anonymous, I still feel oddly vulnerable.

What I didn't realize was the effect of All of You, my Readers and Commenters have had on Me. That I was also erasing and discarding Our History. And I found I was not able to do it yesterday. Getting rid of my written blabber? Easy. Getting rid of your emails, comments and valued feedback? Too difficult.

I am going to consider the idea of morphing this blog into a lifestyle and travel one. No promises as to when but I'm not erasing what I have here. You have made a lasting impression on me. Thank you in advance for your patience.

Identities

This is one topic I've struggled with for a while. Only recently have I made peace with it. My career brings with it many benefits ie. self employment, freedom of schedule etc. but a hidden cost I did not bargain for relates to identity.

To be professional for me means "it is not about me". Does that make sense? When you go see someone professionally for advice, would you be thrilled to be hearing all about that person or are you there to get something done for yourself? I would think the latter.

In my business, I have seen dismal examples of professionalism, and examples where not being professional has garnered grave results. I tend to steer very close to the conservative side of the road where I do not speak about my life outside of the everyday polite conservations of how are you doing?

By practicing very professionally, I have noticed discomfort with my identity at work in that it takes an enormous amount of energy to behave in a way that only shows a 2 dimensional me. That has been a price of having my career. It has only been recently that I've accepted and am really enjoying my role at work. I no longer allow it to waste my time emotionally and mentally.

Creating this blog has served a vital role for my other identities. Of course those close to me know the "real" me. But my 2 dimensioned life at work had started to bleed into what I consider to be my "real" life sapping my energy at home. I was beginning to lose the excited me and the explorer me and the artist me. I realize that I can never be all of me at work--it isn't appropriate there. The boundary is set. So in the rest of my life, I will endeavor to be as wholly me as I can be!

What is the Purpose of this Blog?

The purpose of this blog did not start from the desire to make money. To be honest, I never considered it or thought it was possible. Sometimes I do think I've been living in some hole somewhere! I participated in a blogpoll recently and when the results were revealed, I was the only one who answered that my blog was just for myself (Eric, if you are reading, that was me).

My work doesn't involve html links, adsense or uploading sitemaps. Web 2.0, digg it, technorati etc. I'd never heard of until recently. I am a pen and paper worker who uses a software program that shows me my appointment schedule. That's as sophisticated as it gets. I read my news, check banking, email, buy plane tickets etc. online--What I consider as "regular" stuff. It is pretty easy to get caught up in trying to make my blog accessible, to increase it's reach, get ranked but it can turn into a serious job! I don't need another job!

I built this blog for myself as a form of an online journal where I can see what I am working on pretty much on one page. I also believe that I approach life differently and have built a unique way of living and if someone finds what I have to say as interesting or inspiring, that's cool. It helps me get stuff out of my brain into the visual world. I am an artist at heart and have a need to express myself visually.

Already Retired?

One can argue that I am already living much of what I strive for in "retirement". Creating this blog has been immensely rewarding in that it makes me see on print what I've been seeing in my head. My journal is the place where plans take shape but often I do not go back and read it. I haven't stopped long enough to see the fruits of my labour in a big picture way.

Once my mortgage is paid for and I move to a 2 day work week, then I could be considered "retired" as defined by me! Should I define retirement as the point when I do not need to work for money, then I guess that will likely be closer to 10 years away whereby I will be working 2 days a weeks (4 yrs from now) until then. Not much else would be different.