Walls of Fear

Whoops! I've fallen into the same trap again! Reading blogs before writing and then running out of time to write!

Well, new month, new month end results released for January. I managed to beat my budgeted income amount again. This time it will mean that my pay for February will be increased by $2186.56! Yeah!

Where is the extra monies going this time? Savings and extra mortgage payments primarily. I am committed to a charity donation as well as payment for a course that starts tonight.

My ski lesson was hard today. I didn't do very well. I didn't feel like being pushed today so I fought it. But then I got angry that I wasn't doing so well and the anger made me try harder and I ended feeling OK with it all. But not before I mentally dumped my goal to become ski instructor!

On the drive home, I thought about my mental "bratty-ness" and laughed at myself. I might as well have been standing there with my arms crossed and glaring at everybody because that was how I felt!

I didn't particularly like the feeling of coming up to an internal wall of resistance. Whether it is about renting out my vacation properties or trying something new or being disciplined in paying off debt or being told to ski on one leg and do 2 turns!

My awareness that those walls exist, then making the decision to understand why and deciding to overcome them is what I felt today was about. Often for me, it is about fear.

Fear of something being taken away from me, fear of being left out, fear of making the wrong decision, fear of making the right decision, fear of breaking a bone, fear of being so fed up with work that I'd walk out, fear I don't have it in me to make all of my goals a reality, fear of failure, fear of not being accepted. I can go on and on...

There are many times in the past where I would just not show up and coddle myself a bit. Then I would feel bad for missing out afterwards! Talk about hitting yourself twice! Each time I do show up, I feel better and stronger for it. You'd think that would eventually become the default state but man, it is still a struggle some days. I guess I am being tested. How much do you really want this?

The last few years, I've felt that I've become "soft". I have become too "comfortable". I feel that "coasting" time is necessary, especially when you've implemented a big change for example but outside of that, I like to expand my comfort zone. By doing so, I feel like I'm expanding my capacity for life and my ability to handle bigger and better things.

Remember what Joe Vatale asks, "How good can you stand your life?".

Really, Really Good!!!