Tuesday, October 6, 2015

5 days

I ended up taking 5 days.  

Days 1 and 2:  I was literally in a daze, my eyes not seeing with clarity, as I walked and sat by the water, feeling somewhat like a zombie.  Even my feet hurt as they weren't willing to mold to the terrain.

Day 3:  Things felt clearer while walking.  Happy to be moving.  Happy for the silence and chance to look out on the water and write it out.  Grateful I had no issues with spending time alone.  I don't know how one would do it otherwise.

Days 4 and 5:  D and I had it out.  My frustration over the last 4 years came out.  I had been carrying it along with me, not realizing how large it had become, not wishing to let it out completely and coming across as an unsupportive spouse.  

I know D's numerous job changes has taken a huge toll on him as well.  However, I was being negatively affected by the angry energy coming from him that he hadn't been entirely conscious of.  We have discussed this before but he hadn't really understood the extent of it until now.

He thought that by keeping silent meant he had it under wraps and was saving me from stress.  I'd rather him let it out than to remain silent, as I'd know it was happening instead of being bombarded energetically by anger and rage when I least expect it.  

As I'm exceedingly sensitive to such things, I get rather affected.  It's exhausting and winds me up at the same time.  And it progressively burnt through my defenses or the lack of, as I don't expect to need defenses at home...and has damaged me over time despite my becoming progressively stronger the last few years.  D feels horrible about it.

Add to it, the fact that I've been challenging myself in my own travel journeys, in ways that required more energy than ever, to prepare as well as recover from the many more difficult places I tended to go to nowadays.  So the sum of both, to put it simply, pushed me over.    

And I found myself feeling the reminders of what I remember burnout was like.  That scared me as that point in time was pretty horrible.  The math didn't add up in my head when I believed I was doing a decent job orchestrating my life.

But of course, I don't live in a bubble.  However, I do believe both parties in a marriage have to take responsibility for what they add and take to and from the relationship during the highs and the lows.  Sometimes just awareness and willingness to protect what you have can make a huge difference.

Now what?  Modify my goals so that I'd leave more energy free to handle the stresses with D's career?  For now, it is the best decision.  I don't feel like I have enough energy to embark on what I had planned later this fall so after another week of reflection I willingly cancelled it. 

D cannot give me any assurances that career wise, things are going to get better, other than to keep searching.  Even his excited energy during that process is difficult for me to handle.  This is one of the few instances I've seen him cycle between extremes in an almost frantic way.  Otherwise he is uber laid back.

It has been a long time since I've felt desperate for time to recover.  Reasonable or not, it feels like failure to me, especially when it may potentially be impacting my work. Thinking further, I have pushed myself greatly the last couple of years and time to reflect on my experiences is warranted.  On my own terms though.  

My eyes are seeing clear again right now.  It's not over but is immensely relieving. 

No comments:

Post a Comment