I've fought the "root building" part of my life for a long time. It has been only been in the last 4 years that the foundation has been put in place for where I call "home".
For the longest time, I questioned having a "home base". The world was my home, I thought. Wherever I hang my hat was home, I decided.
Perhaps I didn't have a great model of "home" as I was growing up so I didn't have anything of true value to aspire to?
I am getting "itchy feet" to go somewhere, to see new things, to do something "big". At times, my yearning to escape gives the semblance that I am not content when I feel it is the opposite--that I come back full of contentment for having gone. Am I making sense?
I am grateful for what I do, my practice and for the people I meet and have the opportunity to help. My spirit, however, yearns to have less of a schedule and to live according to its cycle, whatever that may be. Sometimes I do not feel that I am doing enough with my life.
I say that because the years of regimentation has taken its toll. It is no coincidence that I am feeling this way after coming home from the cottage because it is the quiet that draws these thoughts and desires out of hiding.
At times, I feel like I've lost something--the ability to see through the eyes I once saw through. That scares me. I don't want to lose that.
I've had a couple of strange things happen to me, both times in Arizona, resulting in a big life shift. Perhaps what they say about the vortexes are true?!
The first time was when I had just graduated and my reward to myself was a hike down the Grand Canyon. I was caught at 8900 ft in a freak snowstorm whereby I ran off the road through a fence, into the ditch and then back out onto the road, crossed the other side and down the other ditch, then back onto the road and stalled across both lanes of the highway. The oncoming cube van also ran off into the ditch. I was alone, in a white Altima, with snow so heavy I couldn't see out the windows or windshield, in shock, couldn't start the car and worried I was going to be broadsided by another car.
Anyway, I got the car started, couldn't find the cube van anywhere and made it back to Flagstaff (driving on the wrong side of the road when I could so I could hug the rock face--there were no railings for most of the highway--it was a sheer drop). When I called the canyon to ask about the weather forecast, they were surprised. They had no snow and a tour bus that has just arrived took the same route as I was on and wasn't even wet. I had decided to forgo my hike and head south to Tuscan when a burly man came into the lobby and asked if there were anyone for the canyon. I looked up and decided that I was going to make my hike. Getting my gear from my rental was when I realized that there wasn't any damage to the car?! I knew I had hit fences but not even a scratch!
The driver must have sensed something strange about me (or I looked sufficiently strange!)because he told me that everything was alright, gave me an clean used shirt to cover my shoulder with when I got lower down on the hike and convinced me to take the steeper, with no water available, South Kaibab Trail and I would come up the Bright Angel Trail. The hike was tremendous. I never saw him again to thank him for the advice.
Throughout the hike, for the first time, I had a deep knowing. I decided to forgo my associateship opportunity in Chicago and take the rest of the spring and summer off. I knew what I wanted. I wanted to be in a smaller city center where I didn't have to work full time hours to afford a good life. I wanted to be able to afford a place to hang my hat and my travels easily. My career was not all that I could be. This came as a shock to everyone because I had spent the last 1 1/2 getting everything in order (visas, bank accounts, apartment, one way plane ticket and many trips back and forth).
"The" opportunity came over lunch with a girlfriend who was busy setting up her own office. She had toured around visiting various offices and came across one who was looking for a female associate. I had no idea where this place was. I've only lived in large cities. So I rented a car and went for a look see. By this time I had interviewed with 13 offices but didn't get that knowing feeling. Within 10 mins of being in this start up office, I knew this is where I was to be.
I feel like I've done the work building the foundation of my life a la Maslow. Because of the amount of energy and focus spent on it, the voices representing the upper levels of the pyramid are starting to call out again--thankfully--I was starting to wonder where they had gone.
I will write about my second incident in Arizona in a future post.